The Cullen's Meet Count Chocula
by Lady Stardust Northman
Summary: Emmett is bored and everyone is busy. He goes hunting and finds Count Chocula. Really random one-shot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. **

**So, lots of people are waiting for my next story to be published and I'm thrilled you are all waiting not so patiently. So, I thought I'd post something completely random until I get my next story going. Don't forget to VOTE in my poll and tell me what I should write next. **

**This is completely RANDOM, and is mostly based on a daydream, although some of the credit goes to my friend, Aurore-Darrelle, and major props to AllytheVampChick, (as always) for reading and approving this.

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**(Emmett's POV)  
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Bored. Bored. Bored. I am so freaking bored right now. Carlisle is in his study, Alice is shopping online, Rose is working on her car, Esme is reading, Jasper is looking through an old war book and Edward is at Bella's. No one wants to do anything. I think I'll just go hunting then.

I stood up from the couch and called out to my family, "I'm going hunting." I heard a few murmurs and I left the house. I ran across the yard and into the woods. The scent of deer's blood wafted through the air and I breathed it in deep. I took off running towards it and I soon spotted it.

It was eating grass in a clearing. I crouched down and leaped towards it. I crashed down on his back and heard a few bones break under my weight. I grabbed its neck and turned it to the side and sank my teeth into its flesh. I began to suck his blood out when it turned coarse. Then hard and brittle and it took a solid form so I couldn't drink it anymore.

'What the hell?' I asked in my head. I dropped the deer and looked at it. There was a wound in his neck with something coming out of it, wait, is that, cereal? What the hell is going on?!?!

I heard laughing behind me, if this is a joke, I'm gonna hurt someone. I spun around and there was a man, about 4 feet tall, he had brown hair that was parted in the middle, but rose up into two parts on his head, it looked like horns. His ears were pointed and he had fangs. 'Is he a vampire?' I wondered. He was wearing a strange outfit, it looked like a suit underneath his cloak. Cape? Why is he wearing a cape?

The little strange man was leaning against a tree and I took a good hard look at him. I knew him from somewhere, had I met him when I was human? Doubtful. I think I saw him on TV, but why would someone famous be all-OH MY GOD! I remember him now!

"COUNT CHOCULA!" I screamed. He chuckled and said, "Yes, I am Count Chocula." Oh my god, I love this guy, I remembered those Monster Mash commercials with Frankenberry, but not Boo Berry. Man, Count Chocula must have hated Boo Berry not to invite him to his party. I wonder if Igor is with him. I looked around but didn't see him.

"Where's Igor?" I asked him excitedly.

He laughed and then answered, "He's guarding my cereal. People love Count Chocula so much, it must be guarded at all times."

I was so excited to be standing in front of him and then I remembered, he turned my kill into cereal. Then I was angry.

"Hey, you turned my kill into cereal, why the hell did you do that?" I demanded to know.

He shrugged and said, "Because I can."

Oh that's it, he's going to get it, I picked up a large boulder to my right and was about to throw it at him, but a large shower of cereal rained down on my head. What is this guy's problem?

I looked at him and said, "Why are you doing this to me? Why me?"

He didn't answer. So I decided I was done with him. I turned and ran back to my house. I had to tell my family what just happened, but Alice probably saw it so I wouldn't need to tell them.

I reached the house and saw that my family, including Edward and Bella were all outside waiting on me. I didn't want Edward to know what happened before I told them so I started to sing in my head.

'_It's a non-stop disco _

_Bet you it's Nabisco _

_Betcha didn't know, _

_it's a non-stop disco  _

_Bet you it's Nabisco _

_Betcha didn't know_

_It's a non-stop disco_

_Betcha didn't know_

_Betcha didn't know _

_It's a non-stop disco _

_Bet you didn't know _

_Bet you didn't know  _

_Bet you didn't know.'_

Edward gave me an annoyed look as I stopped in front of him. Alice stepped forward and said, "Emmett, what happened? Who were you with? I couldn't see you. It was just white." She sounded worried but she had no reason to.

"And why shouldn't she worry Emmett?" Edward asked still trying to pick my brain. I smiled widely but before I could answer, a voice spoke behind me.

"He was with me." I spun around and there was Count Chocula. Following me home like a dog.

Bella was the first to speak, "Count Chocula? You've got to be kidding me. Vampires and werewolves I can handle, Count Chocula, no. I eat that stuff all the time!" She looked exasperated and I couldn't help but laugh.

I turned to Carlisle and said, "Can he stay here, please god let him stay!" I begged him.

Carlisle laughed, but looked wary, then answered, "Um, sure, if he'd like to stay he's quite welcome."

I looked at the Count and smiled, he smiled back and answered, "I'd love to stay in your lovely home."

We all went into the house with Count Chocula following us; I was nearly bursting at the seams from the excitement. I couldn't believe he was actually in my house. Count Chocula! IN MY HOUSE!

Everyone filed off to their respective rooms except me. Rose stood at the bottom of the stairs looking at me expectantly. I just shook my head and walked into the living room, leaving her standing there, flabbergasted.

I sat on the couch staring at Count Chocula. He stared back and suddenly I was lying on the floor in a pile of cereal.

"What the hell?!?!" I screamed. My family came rushing into the room looking at the mess.

"What happened?" Carlisle demanded.

The count smiled and said, "I didn't like the way the big one was looking at me, so I used my gift to turn the couch into cereal."

Bella snorted. "Your gift is to turn things into cereal? Your own cereal at that?" She was full on laughing now and Count Chocula didn't like that.

Bella's clothes fell off of her into a pile of cereal and she stood naked in our living room. Edward grabbed her and rushed her up the stairs, but it was too late. I had already gotten a very nice view.

"EMMETT STOP THINKING ABOUT BELLA!" Edward bellowed down the stairs. I smirked and thought about her some more. I heard Edward snarl and he ran down the stairs. He slammed into me and we went flying backwards. I expected to hit a hard wall, but instead I fell through a waterfall of cereal.

We landed in the forest, so I grabbed Edward's ankles and spun around in circles. I aimed him at the sky and let go. I heard him screaming profanities at me as he sailed toward the clouds.

I knew he would eventually meet the ground and come racing to find me. I turned and ran in the opposite direction I threw Edward in. Soon I came to the border to La Push, where I was met with some of the La Push werewolves. I recognized Sam, Embry, Paul and Jacob. I knew I would be safe on their land if they allowed me.

Sam spoke to me harshly, but what did I expect really? "What are you doing here, leech?"

I smiled sweetly and said, "Good morning, protectors of La Push. I've come to request your services. You see, my brother Edward was being an outright prick this morning, so I sent that bitch packing towards Seattle. I was hoping I could stay on your side of the line until the pretty boy gets off his rag."

They all laughed and Sam waved me over the line. He turned back to the others and said, "Paul, Embry, stay here. No one else is to cross the line. We're going back to my house, one of you phase and tell Jared to go get Emily and take her to Billy's." He turned towards me and I remembered the count.

"OH! Wait!" I exclaimed. Sam looked at me quizzically and asked, "What is it?"

I bounced happily making Embry laugh. "We found Count Chocula this morning."

We fell into a stunned silence until Paul broke it, "Count Chocula? The cereal guy, he's real?"

I nodded vigorously and they all looked down. I saw a blur in the trees and saw my family, sans Edward, running towards us. Alice was carrying Bella and sat her down as they reached the border.

"Emmett, what the hell are you doing? Alice saw you disappear we didn't know what happened." Esme said.

I smiled again and said, "Don't worry, mom. I just need to hide from Edward a bit and these kind people have agreed to let me hide out here until I can think of a way to get Edward back for whatever he is planning for me."

I noticed that the wolves were not paying any attention to us at all. They were staring at Count Chocula.

"What is his diet?" Sam asked wearily.

The count smiled and said, "I drink animal blood. That is why I have come to the Cullen's."

Sam nodded and said, "I'd like you to come meet my wife, if that's okay?" He looked down and muttered "Emily would never believe me if I told her."

Jacob and Embry laughed as Count Chocula crossed the line. The wolves phased and we took off to Sam's house.

The boys stopped in the woods to phase but I didn't want to wait, so I burst into the house and sang out, "Hey honey, I'm home!"

I walked into the kitchen, noticing that Quil, Claire, Jared, Kim, Leah, Seth, Collin, Brady and Emily were all in here. I slammed the door behind me and walked right up to Emily. She looked shocked, so I pulled her into a bear hug and squeezed a little bit.

I heard the wolves in the room growl so I set her down. Jared stood up and said, "What the hell are you doing here, bloodsucker?"

Sam walked in the door saving me from answering. "He's with us and so is this one."

Count Chocula walked in and everyone gasped. "Count Chocula? You gotta be freaking kidding me." Seth said rolling his eyes.

I explained quickly how I had found him and why we were in La Push and they all laughed.

I knew Edward would be looking for me by now, but he'll never find me. I sat and talked with the wolves for a little while. They were actually quite nice aside from their smell.

We were all getting along until Sam's phone rang. Emily answered. "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Edward Cullen. How are you today Emily? Is my brother there?"

Emily looked at me and I smiled and shook my head.

"No, sorry Edward, he and Count Chocula just left with Sam and the boys." She said in an even voice. Then shook her head and muttered, "I never thought I'd see the day when Count Chocula was sitting in my house with my werewolf husband." She rolled her eyes and hung up the phone before Edward answered her.

I decided it was time to face the music. But first I had a plan. I smiled to everyone in the room and told them my plan. They loved it so we all left the house and drove to Seattle. I knew Alice would see me but she wouldn't say anything to Edward. I just hoped she could keep it from him.

We got on a plane and arrived in Italy sometime later. The stewardesses were happy to be rid of me, I knew. The wolves phased and we all took off running for Volterra. When we got there we went straight for the Volturi castle.

Count Chocula and I left the wolves at the entrance and went to talk to Aro.

"Ah, Emmett Cullen, my boy. What brings you here today?" He asked. I told him all about Count Chocula showing up and my big fight with Edward and my plan to get him back. He laughed and asked the wolves to come in. I was shocked when no one attacked each other, but I guess Aro thought my plan was too good to complete without them.

I was even more shocked to find Paul wasn't paying any attention to us. He was staring at Jane and she was staring back. Oh no. Sam noticed the same time I did and caught my eye.

"Paul? Did you just imprint on a vampire? A human drinking vampire?" He asked, surprisingly calm.

Paul looked up and became furious. But before he had a chance to say anything he was on the ground screaming.  
"JANE! DO NOT TREAT YOUR SOULMATE LIKE THAT!!!" Aro roared.

"WHY NOT? I DON'T WANT A FILTHY MUTT FOR A SOULMATE! THIS SUCKS!" Jane screeched back but released Paul and surprised us all by rushing to his side. She buried her face into his chest and said, "I'm so sorry."

Paul was shocked but he hugged her back. The other wolves looked worried. With Jane's power and Paul's attitude this was going to be one interesting trip.

We all made the trip back to the airport and then to Seattle airport. We were just outside of Forks when Demetri grabbed one arm and Marcus grabbed my other. Sam was being restrained by Felix and Caius. The other wolves were walking with the rest of the guard behind them. We reached the clearing and I saw my family standing there with the Denali clan. When did they get here? I wondered.

We stopped in front of my family, they all looked terrified. Edward looked pissed because he couldn't read anyone's mind. Aro had a new member of the guard. He had turned his receptionist, Gianna and she had a mind shield. So she was shielding all of our minds. Aro stepped forward.

"Hello, my dears." He said.

Carlisle stepped forward and said, "Aro, what's this about?"

"You see, dear friend, we were all coming for a visit to see if miss Swan had been turned yet. When we came across Emmett here, playing with some wolves. We thought he was fighting them but he said they were his friends. We thought what strange company you Cullen's keep, so we decided to come see for ourselves. Carlisle if you are friends with these wolves, we have no choice but to destroy you all." Aro said monotonously.

Esme gasped and Rosalie looked horrified. She locked eyes with me and I smiled sadly. Edward turned to Alice and said, "Alice?"

She shook her head and said, "I can't see with the wolves around, but it's not good, Edward!" Jasper put his arm around her and I dropped my gaze to the ground.

I looked around for Count Chocula and saw that he was standing behind Aro, smirking. Good, I thought, he's playing his part well.

Edward followed my gaze to Count Chocula and he became furious.

"YOU!" He shouted, pointing to him. "This was all your doing. You show up here, then the Volturi come here to kill us!"

Esme put her hand on his shoulder and said, "Edward, you don't know this."

Edward shook her off. "The hell I don't! He probably was sent here as a spy!" Edward lunged forward before anyone could do anything and he took a swipe at Count Chocula. Then he stopped. Alec had cut off his senses. He was running around like a chicken with his head cut off and I couldn't help but laugh. Everyone looked at me like I had just told them I was pregnant but then they giggled too.

Alec released Edward and Aro shouted to him, "EDWARD! Stop this now or I will kill your brother and these wolves."

To emphasize his point, Demetri shoved my face into the dirt and kicked me.

Edward growled but stepped back in front of Rose. I spit the dirt out of my mouth as Aro spoke again.

"Edward. I do not like that you lunged at my friend, Count Chocula. I will not have this in my presence. Come forward, traitor." He snarled.

Edward warily stepped forward. Aro grabbed him by the ear and pulled him to his knees.  
"Now, you have betrayed my trust by lunging at me without hearing our side of the story. I also don't appreciate that on our way here we heard several people speak of a sparkling UFO in the daytime. Care to explain that?" He stopped.

Edward opened his mouth to answer but Aro cut him off.

"I didn't think so. So, Edward, as punishment, I have condemned you to die."

My family gasped again. Aro reached out and kicked Edward in the face, then jumped on top of him.

He started tickling my brother's sides making Edward laugh uncontrollably. Edward gasped for air and managed to choke out, "Please…… stop….. can't….. hurts!"

Aro didn't let up he just kept tickling him for nearly ten minutes straight. I stood up and laughed at this.

Suddenly, Edward's laughing stopped as his head popped off his body with a low, "pop". Aro stopped tickling his body and jumped off of him.

We looked around shocked. We didn't see where his head went, so we all ran off to find it. But we couldn't. We returned to Edward's body, which was crawling around on the ground searching for its head.

Aro spoke first, "If his head was going to reattach itself it would have already. His head may be too far away. What should we do?"

We all looked at each other then stared at Edward's body.

It suddenly turned into a big pile of cereal, a la Count Chocula.

My family looked confused and Carlisle said, "What's really going on here?"

Aro laughed and explained my joke to him.

I laughed and said, "Yup. Just a joke."

Esme laughed darkly and said, "Let's see how much of a joke it is when you tell Bella her boyfriend is a pile of cereal!"

Uh-oh.

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**A/N: Yeah, I don't know what the hell I was on when I came up with this idea. Hope you liked it! Go vote in my poll so I can write something normal! ~Ever Uley~**


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